Boston Moth StorySLAM Themed “Distance”, November 2018

Nina Livingstone:

I had my first panic attack when I visited Russia as a teenager. Back in the States, my panic attack morphed into a full throttle of anxieties. And the doctor then told me to diagnose it as agoraphobia. I saw therapists and I had medication for the condition, but I still couldn’t leave the house. I was afraid to leave the house. I was afraid to go anywhere. And I remember my housemate saying to me at the time, “I’m the only one getting the ice cream, and you’re the one that’s getting smaller and I’m getting wider.” I got the message. So someone suggested that I see an agoraphobia specialist who would work outdoors. She works outdoors with a client. I made an appointment.

I looked out the window of the living room. I sheepishly looked through the curtain, kind of hoping she wouldn’t be there, and she looked up and she waved. I knew I couldn’t get out of it. So I walked out the door and I walked down the step. She said, “Okay, this is what I do. We work outdoors. You’re going to walk down the steps, you’re going to walk up and down the driveway, and then eventually it’s going to be blocks. This isn’t about short distance, long distance. It’s about feeling like your home is in you wherever you travel. And it’s going to take a lot of time and you have to be willing to work on it. And since it’s summer, I want you to hold an ice pack whenever you feel anxious and do some deep breathing.”

She gave me all of these suggestions, and I followed her suggestions, and proceeded with walking up and down the stairs, the driveway with her, then tried it again next week without her, and proceeded into the next block. And there was a lot of hyperventilation involved and so forth. But I managed. She said, “Focus forward, look straight ahead, don’t look back, because then you want to run home.” It’s true. So she said, “Just stay focused.”

So then the next project was, the next assignment, “You’re going to walk to the market.” Which was four blocks from the house. I was sweating. I walked into the market, and she said, “You’re only going in five minutes. I’ll see you in the parking lot at 3 o’clock.” Okay. I walked in the supermarket, and I was in the banana section, and I was focusing, of all things, so I was looking at the bananas, trying to focus. And I had my cane with me. The stock boy walked up to me and he said, “Can I help you with the… ” I said, “No, I have tunnel vision. I can see straight ahead, I can’t see either side.” And he said, “Oh,” he said to me, “Tunnel vision. Okay.”

Meanwhile, I had inside my backpack an alarm that I had, a wind up clock, and it went off at 3 o’clock. I said, “I’ve got to go.” I ran outside. She was in the parking lot. She said, “Great!” I said, “Great.” She said, “Now we have another plan for you.” She said, “The next most challenging feat you will have will be the day before Thanksgiving, I want you to walk into the same market.” I said, “Oh my, I can’t do that.” She said, “Yes, you can.” And she said, “And this time, of all the trips we’ve made to the market so far, this time you’re going to buy four items when you walk in there.” I said, “Okay.”

So I walked the blocks, four blocks, sweating and everything. By this time it was November. No ice pack. And I walked into the market, and straight to the turkey section. I’m looking around the turkey section, and I drop my ring. So I looked at the woman behind me, I said, “I dropped my ring.” And she said, “Paul, Paul, blind woman by the turkey section. Paul, blind woman by the turkey section.”

I mean, I don’t want to be conspicuous. So he walked over to me, the guy walked over, said, “Oh my gosh, you’re the one with the tunnel vision.” I said, “Yeah, that’s me, tunnel vision. I dropped my ring.” He said, “Okay, I’ll try and find it. If we find it, we’ll let you know. I’ll see you at the cashier.” I said, “I’ve got to look for four items.”

The place was packed. So I was looking for four items. I was on my own. Walked to the cash register. There’s a long line. A throng of people around me. And all of a sudden I hear the guy, he says, “Hey, I found the ring, I found it.” I said, “Oh great.” And everybody started clapping. I mean, like I need the drama, I don’t think so. I’m trying to get over my phobia here. Thank you so much, thank you.

I walked to the cashier, paid for my four items. I was outside. And the specialist was out there, and I went, “I did it.” And she said, “What’s in the bag?” And I said, “Four gallons of ice cream.”